I think I'm breaking down
by Trapuccino
Summary: Set after Gina Zanetacos. After Tom finds the box and claims innocence Elizabeth does not believe him. Dragged in a world of lies and mistrust, she must find the way to her own self and safety. Hopefully characters will grow.
1. Chapter 1

Two seconds. For that time Elizabeth felt nothing but the warmth surrounding her and she was happy in the comfortable sleepiness that clouded her mind, keeping her eyelids heavy, and her breathing slow.

Unfortunately the joy only lasted until the first memory hit her, after which they all came rushing in, rushing her in waves and making her more awake as each image, sensation and thought invaded her and wiped away any sense of happiness that she could have felt. Her eyes opened wider and assessed her surroundings, taking notice of any threat or change in the bedroom besides the man sleeping next to her. She was less confident than the day before of the decision she had made but knew very well that she had no other choice. Finding that Tom was not who she believed he was made her world crumble, nothing could be taken for granted and no one could be trusted leaving her with a horrible sense of isolation. For somebody to be able to trick her as much and for as long as Tom did was terrifying, and yet strangely comforting.

She had told Tom she wouldn't let her career get in the way of they forming a family, and she had meant that. However when she was taken into the "Blacklist", she found herself not wanting to go home, and would stay in the office as long as she could working on every lead and check up. She hardly paid attention to her director's advice of going home, and looked forward for the late hours she spent with Meera and Donald; silently working and wonderfully coordinated, they were a team. She had known for a long time before Tom's revelation that a family is not what she needed but to find herself, and despite how much she loved him, Elizabeth could not picture Tom in her life.

She checked the clock on the night table and was disappointed to see that despite the bright light coming through the window it was only 5:25. It would look suspicious if she got up so early, so she stayed seizing those minutes to try and come up with a plan, but failed.

Her mind was swirling trying to make sense of everything; Who was Tom? What was he doing? She suspected his job was either very important, or his life would be threatened if he was discovered, otherwise he wouldn't have kept on with the charade. It was likely that he needed something from the box (the why eluded her but it didn't make it any less possible) and when he found the gun missing he figured she had found it, so he covered it by clamming ignorance.

She didn't do the logical thing of asking how he had found the box because she knew he would have no answer, after all there was no reason for a man with a recent surgery due to a stab wound on his torso to lift a heavy and brand-new carpet up to the middle of the room and then stress himself even more by pulling the hatch open. She had known the truth from the moment she saw her husband standing with the box at his side.

As her eyes went back to the alarm clock she was surprised to see it was now 6:48, time to get up. With one arm she slid the sheets and with the other she propelled herself up, swinging her feet out of the bed and on the wooden floor. She spared a glance to Tom but he was still asleep, so she went downstairs and prepared breakfast.

Walking through the living room she felt unease, something was wrong. She stood for a couple of seconds examining the room until she remembered; Poli. The friendly dog should have followed her when she got up but he was at their friends house, after all the commotion with Tom she had asked Mina to take care of the dog since both of them would be out, so Mina took him with them for Poli not to be alone for too long, he was very attached to people.

When she got to the kitchen the small windows let sun rays to filter in, causing her to blink until her eyes adapted. She prepared coffee and looking through the cabinets she found a bag with sliced bread. She opened it and took a slice, checking it from its two sides to see if it had gone bad but no green spots were visible. She did the same with three more others and put them to toast, two slices were left but she threw them anyway, they would go bad at any time now. Preparing the two coffee mugs Elizabeth began to wonder when was the last time she had had time to do things calmly; they were always running from one place to the other, always eating out or the left over's that hadn't gone bad just yet.

At first she had no problem with that, after all it meant that she had many things to do than to take her time with trifles, however during the last five months and way before the Blacklist, she had begun to get tired of all of it, she wanted to enjoy the little things like buying fresh coffee from that little store eight blocks from the apartment instead of the two pound bag Tom buys in the supermarket, she craved for those moments during study when she would go to the park and sit with her books reading the assigned material, but most of all she missed shopping. Ever since she bought an October edition of Vogue out of mere curiosity when she was 19 she had been hooked with that strange world. She loved seeing the strange clothes and accessories as well as the make up products. She was not superficial like most people would think of a Vogue aficionado, she had a unique taste and was proud of that but it was an aspect of herself that she never showed to others.

Lying against the kitchen counter with the mug pressing on her lips she heard Tom getting up and continued with her breakfast. He kissed her softly in the forehead and she suppressed the shiver running down her spine. He began eating as well and they talked about the day and errands that needed to be done, all the heavy talking done the night before. When the time came, Tom showered and headed for work, kissing her this time on the cheek.

Alone in her house she went upstairs to take a shower. Opening the dresser she picked up a black pair of trousers, a cream color satin blouse, her favorite blazer which fitted her nicely and a pair of heeled booths. After the shower she got dressed and headed to work.

She needed to do something, and fast.


	2. Chapter 2

Elizabeth drove unaware of her surroundings as she often did when she was troubled. Barely did she notice the stream of cars rushing to get to their destination or the shifting colors of the traffic lights unless they were a danger to her driving. Something caught her eye, however, as she drove pass a corner and saw a newspaper post, suddenly an idea sparked in her mind. She parked the car (her FBI sticker had marvelous benefits since it would otherwise have been impossible to park in that area) and walked to the place. The owner, a middle age woman dressed casually, was accommodating some magazines so Elizabeth focused on her target and the task at hand. She began searching through all the shelves not wanting to miss any spots. Disappointment began to cloud her conscience as she was unable to find it. She pursed her lips in thought, barely able to notice the shuffling sounds near her.

"Oh! Hi there sweetie." Greeted the woman a bit startled when she saw her. "I didn't see you there." She dropped the diaries and smiled.

"I'm sorry." Lizzy said with an apologetical smile and jutted to the magazines "I was trying to find the Vogue magazine but I think it's sold out." She lied invisibly, disappointment filtered in her tone.

"Vogue… Vogue." Muttered the woman searching in the second shelve, "I don't think… Oh, here it is!" she pulled a thick magazine that was hidden behind an encyclopedia. "Who put this here?" The woman wondered taking the large book from the shelve, and placing it with the others of its kind. Elizabeth felt a pang of excitement when she recognized the familiar style.

"Here you go sweetie." She said cheerily handing her the magazine, and she took it as one would take a precious thing. "Thank you." Elizabeth said truly grateful, she could feel her mood chirping up, "How much is it?" she put it under her arm and took out her wallet from her trousers.

"It's four dollars." Elizabeth took out money from her pocket and gave it to the woman.

"Thank you sweetie, have a nice day" she said happily and continued with her chores.

"Thank you, you too!" she waved as she went back to the car and put the unusually heavy magazine under the passenger seat "It must be a special edition" she thought all the more excited. Unfortunately she had no time to look at it now but was comforted by its mere presence.

Elizabeth arrived at the Post Office building at 8 PM Sharp. She parked the car in her designed place and steadily directed herself through the familiar maze.

Before taking the elevator that would get her to the offices, she had to go through a security check, where they revised her belongings in case of bugs, weapons or any hazardous materials, as it was protocol for all agents. The few minutes that the search took did not gave her the clarity she was hoping for, no matter how hard she tried she could not come up with a solution to her problem, and it nerved her as it always did to have something unsolvable in her hands. Usually when she was out of good options she would just take any and handle it from there, she just needed to get started, all the pieces would later come together. Nevertheless this was not that simple. In a game where she knew it was probable she was being played with, where she had no allies and silent enemies, any choice could be her last. *Excellent description here!

"All good" the guard cleared her up and with a "thanks" she was gone. As she headed into the elevator she thought about how Red would act in regard to the "Tom" thing. Had he believed like the rest that she still trusted her husband? No, he knew she was smarter than she let it know as he had proved several times before. When she got to the elevator she wondered, what did Red think of her intellect? She had always considered herself as smart, above the average but not by far, and certainly not even near his level. Nevertheless he had always suggested that there was more to her, that she underestimated her. Lizzy shook her head trying to deviate from that, the only reason why he had said those things was to either praise her and establish trust or to get her over confident and screw something up. But of course the criminal mind was a devious net of wonders, profiling them was as fascinating as it was frustrating.

Out of the sudden, a smile spread on her face as she remembered a conversation with her dad.

She was around six or seven and she had announced her desire to be a criminal, of all things. When he asked both surprised and amused why that particular choice, she had explained that the good guy was always silly and dumb and only caught the bad guy out of luck. However, she had clarified that she didn't want to be bad, she wanted to be the smart one, witty and with good sense of humor, the one that with his/her money could travel around the world and meet interesting people and places. Realization surprised her, her role model had been Red.

"Penny for your thoughts." A deep and familiar voice brought her back to reality and her head spun to face him. She had not seen him getting in so she must have looked a bit stunned, Red on the other hand was watching her with amusement, his small "naughty boy looking at a box of matches" smile plastered on his face along with something close to fondness. She had seen that spark in his since the moment they met; Elizabeth did not know what it meant, sometimes she could read him like a book, other times he turned so unreadable that the need to uncover his secrets became overwhelming and she often find herself, whenever lost in thought, what would he think about a certain matter, knowing his opinion could give her a sense of calm that she rarely experienced.

Before she stared for too long she faced forward and said, "Morning Red." Short but in a tone that wasn't rude.

"Good morning Lizzy." He practically sang in his cocky tone "I can see Tom didn't murder you in your sleep." He added with the same pitch though with a hint of sarcasm. He was trying to provoke her.

She almost failed to held back the smile caused by his perky comment, the gap between it and her thoughts that same morning was not large enough. She faced him, her face serious but betraying nothing; she found herself unable of saying anything, after all what could she say? Could she trust him enough? She wanted to, but how could she know that it was truly her or if he had led her to feel that way?

Seeing her doubting, Red smiled warmly and spoke, "I know you don't trust him, you don't have to lie to me."

She took a deep breath and in spite of her best judgment said. "You are right, but I can't trust you either."

"I know, it would be foolish if you did." He added in a contrite tone.

She arched an eyebrow and frowned confused, "So why did you…?"

"Because you have to know Lizzy." He explained before she could even ask, "but it's better if you find out by yourself, trust me it will save us a lot of trouble" Elizabeth tried hard to conceal the sudden heat of anger that took her. She was terrified to go home, to face Tom, and he said something useless like this; what was the point of this?

"And how do I do that?" Her tone was sarcastic and increasingly raged.

"All you need is information, you are a smart woman, I'm sure you'll find a way around it."

At that moment the elevator's door opened and with a smile and a nod he was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello people! I have to say thank you for your follows, fav and great reviews! I'm grateful that you are giving the story a chance :) Have a wonderful day! Oh, and any thought or comments please send them!**

Elizabeth stood in the elevator thinking. What did he mean when he said that it was "better if she find out herself"? Why couldn't he just show her the evidence incriminating Tom? "Because he has none" said her common sense "He's playing with you". She thought about it for a second, had it been somebody else who had said that she would had laughed, it was a pathetic piece of excuse really, desperate even. Yet, why did she had the itchy feeling that this was not the case?

"_Always trust your gut, Liz."_Her father would tell her, "_Whenever you don't know what to do, when you can't trust your judgment trust your instincts, they will always be right" _and she had found out that he was right, whenever she had that impression she had followed it, no matter how crazy it might had seemed, and all the times it had been right. She probably never would have chosen this career had it not been for this advice; she had always had a fascination for the way that the mind worked but had never considered as a way of living, her current career had never crossed her mind until a professor had suggested it one day after another outstanding paper in psychology. She was about to file her university submission to study Medicine, more particularly Genetics, and had no intent to change her mind. Nevertheless, and after the days went by with that annoying feeling increasing by leaps and bounds she chose to follow his father advice, and it worked wonderfully. So, she thought, why should it start falling now? It was settled, she would trust Red… for now but wouldn't let her guard down, on the contrary, she knew it would be at full capacity on the wait or something to go wrong.

Before the doors of the elevators shut after being standing there for quite some time, she stepped outside, determination controlling her moves. She would work on her own to find what she needed. Nevertheless she wasn't going to forget her priorities, and would only work on it when it didn't interfere with her work nor put her in jeopardy.

Red was nowhere to be seen and she walked slowly to the office she shared with Meera and Ressler. There was no hurry, since no new number had been disclosed; today was mostly paperwork. Some familiar agents smiled at her or wished her a good morning and she replied back, as usual, with an easy smile. On her way over she passed by Director's Cooper Office and an idea crossed her mind. He was sitting in his desk filling his own paperwork. The plan was no plan at all but after Zanetacos arrest something had bothered her; two options were presented to her, either work as a double agent and provide information to the FBI or in less than two weeks she would be executed. No trials or life sentences for her, after all her crimes were up to capital penalty and as resourceful as she was, it was of no convenience to keep her alive, the risks were simply too high. Nevertheless, why they believed Gina would be "safer" as a double agent was something that baffled her, and the benefits did not outcome the dangers.

After Gina accepted the plea Elizabeth was surprised that the case was sent to Special Divisions without even asking for an evaluation from the Blacklist team. There were no profiles on her before Elizabeth's, nobody had even heard of her before, nobody knew associates, employers or any necessary operation to offer her a deal such as the one she got, yet they did not even requested the opinion of the only ones who had had "contact" with her.

What she planned to do would be probably useless, but it would at least gave her some leverage, a way to have some sense of control, something she desperately needed. Moreover she had every reason to suggest such an innocent idea. It would go unnoticed.

She walked to the office and knocked at the wooden door. Why they put wooden doors in a high security facility was something that had surprised her, in case of emergency they would offer little to no cover whatsoever, compared with the standard metal ones.

A thick voice took Lizzie out of her train of thought. "Come in."

She entered the room but left the door open, after all it would be a quick visit.

"Good morning Sir." she greeted.

Cooper lift his gaze and met hers, confirming her identity. His face showed surprise as well as concern.

"Agent Keen, good morning, is there something I can assist you with?"

"Actually" she began slowly, acting as if she was trying to find the right words, "I'm sorry to bother you Sir, it's just something about the last case, the one with Gina? I.. I heard that you got her to cooperate by working as a double agent."

"That is correct." he nodded but still looked perplexed.

"Is it also true that the special division is handling it and not us?"

"Indeed, it was only logical to pass the case to them provided that their expertise in the field is much greater than ours."

"Of course" she agreed "but wouldn't it be appropriate if one of us assisted them? We are far more familiar with her case and backgrounds, and would provide valuable Intel for the operation."

Cooper was slightly surprised by her idea and Elizabeth suppressed a smile but before he could respond she added "I know that due to my proximity with the case I would be a suitable choice but I see no reason for Malik or Ressler not to act as consulters"

"It's a good idea" he recognized "and I see no reason why it shouldn't be implemented, good work Agent" he complimented her.

"Thank you Sir" she replied and left the office wondering who he would choose. She was well aware of the fact that she was the best choice for this task. Despite that Ressler and Malik were more than capable for a job like this, her expertise as a criminal profiler would help the special team now in charge of Gina, keep tabs on her, as well as making sure that she was fully cooperating. Nevertheless she knew that her proximity to the case made it an obstacle, and that was why she had recommended her partners, if well she could not access the files of the group in charge without being caught, she could easily check on her partners work.

It was a very small step, virtually inexistent but who knew? It was good to keep her options open.


End file.
